Hey!
Um...
Okay, so I know not showing up last night was wrong.
Very, super wrong.
And bad.
And I feel bad for the bad
-and the wrong. -Uh-huh.
I had no idea how complicated planning a scavenger hunt could be.
And then April wanted the clues to rhyme
and the playlist for the lock-in was truly a struggle.
I mean, I know that "Don't Stop Believin'" is a classic,
but it's about a girl taking a train at midnight going anywhere.
Is that the kind of behavior we want to promote?
I mean, there is such a thing--
Hey!
You never came.
You knew I had a date with Miles.
Shoot. Did you miss your date?
We're broken up, Sterling.
I ran back and forth like a duck in a shooting game.
And guess what? I got shot.
Head clean off.
Oh, Blair--
And as if the night wasn't enough of a living nightmare,
I come home and I see this.
-[gasps] What the-- -You told me to slap you
if you kept going on about Mom,
but I'm not prepared to get physical because I'm feeling wrong and bad.
Sterling... she is lying.
This is symbolic.
-Ow! -I'm following orders, okay? Your orders.
And I don't want to,
but I will soap-opera slap you if I need to.
Your obsessed! It's unhealthy!
I'll show you unhealthy!
[both scream and groan]
Get off my hair!
Ouch! Sterling, get off of me! You never win these fights.
[both scream and groan]
You know how this ends!
-Blair! -Give me your arm!
-Blair, I'm kicking your butt! -Give me your arm!
-There it is! -Give me your other arm!
Look at this!
-No! -This is Mom in Savannah
when she was a teenager.
I'm closing my eyes! I can't see!
Don't make me pry your eyelids open
because you know that I will do it.
-You see that sign? Hobo's Ham? -[groans]
Not a good name for a restaurant.
It's like you're eating a homeless person's pork.
Pork that he probably had to fight off other hobos to get,
the way seagulls do.
Well, they never franchised
because there's only one in the state
and it's in a town called...
Nandina.
[groans] Blair. I'm losing feeling in my hands.
If I let you up, will you promise to listen to me and not slap me?
I mean, considering you ruined my entire life,
I think you need to hear me out.
-Fine, yes. I swear! -[grunts]
Okay. Listen.
I looked through all the photo albums
and there is not one picture of Mom before college
except from that box that she gave us.
So then I Googled, "Debbie Culpepper, Georgia."
Oh, look, there's Mom's old manifesto for the PTA coup.
"Why Wallis Williams is unfit to lead.”
-Mom was Miss Teen Georgia Peach, right? -Mm.
There's nothing about that here.
It's like everything that happened before 1999 in her life
has been completely scrubbed.
Maybe it was that Y2K thing we learned about
where old people freaked
because they thought computers were going to eat them.
I know I'm right,
-and after school I'm going to Grandina-- -Nandina.
Shut up!
I'm going there, so find your own ride home after school.
What if I go with you?
-How would I know you'd show up? -We could go right now.
Like, now now?
Yeah, like, skip school and hit the road.
Miss Perfect is suggesting we skip school.
Well, if you want to go, then I want to be there for you.
Fine, but I'm driving...
-and I'm still mad at you. -Noted.
[theme music]
[vocalizing]
-I'm not gonna be at school today. -[April] Are you sick?
Tell me your symptoms.
I carry Oscillococcinum and Zinc in my bag,
but do I need to Postmate some antihistamines?
I can't get sick.
I'm not sick. I'm skipping.
But only slackers headed for City College skip.
What's going on?
Did you tell Blair about us? Did she flip out?
Are you on a Greyhound heading west to start a new life?
I haven't told her yet.
I want to take the day with her,
give her the space to absorb it.
Miles broke up with her and she's going through some stuff.
Miles?
You know Miles. He parks cars at the club.
You've seen him.
Oh, right, the tall black guy?
-Don't say that. -Why not?
He's tall and he's black.
Ezequiel calls you "the white girl with the eyes."
[approaching footsteps.
Will you wipe and move it out already?
I'll call you later.
I miss your lips.
I miss your hair.
I miss your smell.
[April kisses over phone]
Oh, hey.
[disconnect tone]
[blows through lips]
What are you two doing here?
I didn't blow my helper whistle.
Who was that?
My...
perfumier.
-[Ezequiel] Hm. -We're working on a new scent blend.
He's French, so we kiss goodbye.
[all chuckle]
So... what's the scent?
We're working on it.
There are notes of..
hickory.
[Ezequiel] Hmm.
What happened last night?
You were supposed to come to my house for dinner.
Here. I brought you your lamb chops.
Something came up.
Do you think "Don't Stop Believin'" is inappropriate?
Let me guess, Sterling Wesley has boring taste in music.
Surprise, surprise.
She's more eclectic than you think.
Oh. Is she?
Look, crafting a playlist is difficult. Okay?
Now, did you two make the list for the Costco run yet?
Because a lock-in without snacks
is basically solitary confinement,
but with lots of other people,
so... worse.
My point is, make the list. Okay?
And include breath mints.
It's a long night. I gotta go.
[bottle clatters]
Do we want a taser?
Why not? Throw it in.
I'm not seeing handcuffs.
Check in the desk.
You find some?
No, but I found something else. Come here.
Oh.
[scoffs] That does not look like a comfortable position to sleep in.
-[Sterling] He'll be achey. -He should stretch.
I don't think Bowser stretches.
He has the posture of a fishhook.
We could show him some stretches.
Like the warm-up we learned when we had Zumba for PE?
Left arm reach, right arm reach,
Swirl your hips like you’re on the beach...
-[Bowser] Okay. -Left arm reach...
So, this is how I die?
Laying on the floor while two white ladies Zumba over me.
Stop, please stop. Please stop! Stop.
We woke him up.
-Good morning! -Hi!
Why are y'all here?
Why are you here, huh?
This is my damn office.
I can be here any damn time I please.
-Well, damn. -[Bowser groans]
Shouldn't y'all be at school?
Yes, we are doing a self-defense demonstration for PE
and, uh, it's graded and everything,
and Sterling forgot to prepare
because she's been forgetting a lot of important things lately,
for which there are really no excuses,
and often, very serious consequences.
For which she is genuinely and sincerely very sorry.
So, we need to borrow some self-defense demonstration things.
[Bowser] Have at it.
Bowser?
Mm-hm.
Why do you smell like a gas station that sells wine?
[grunts] Because I bought wine at a gas station!
After I left Yolanda's house.
After I found her there with Terrance.
After I thought, "Do I have feelings for Yolanda?"
After I went there to tell her I had news about the Fren-Z case
and maybe ask her out for some soft tacos.
After I told her I wasn't working with her anymore,
and I quit.
-No. Uh-uh. -No, yeah.
You have got to go and get that case back.
No...
I lost the only man I'll ever love for that case.
Yeah, okay?
You have to go back and fight for Yolanda.
Offer her hard tacos.
And yes, Terrance may be a very charming, good-looking man
with a gorgeous smile and a twinkle in his eye,
but... but you are Bowser!
Women don't really care about that other stuff!
Oh, women hate that stuff, huh?
Yeah, believe me. I know what women like.
You don't know anything.
You don't know what I know.
Oh, really?
-Hey, hey, oh. -Yeah!
What's with you two?
Snappin' at each other like betta fish sharing a bowl.
We're having issues.
Well, get over them.
You're family. Figure it out.
Might we not say the same thing about Yolanda?
Not if he's into her.
That would be gross.
We can be Bowser's family, but she is his love interest. Duh.
But once you're with someone, doesn't that make you family,
-like, by marriage or whatever? -That's stupid.
No, it's not. It's a valid question.
-Stupid! -Is not!
-Okay. Okay. Hey, hey, cut it out. -[both shouting]
All right? Dirty laundry.
Wash it, fold it, put it away.
And go away!
And bring me back my stuff after school.
I'm gonna go throw up in the mop sink.
-Oh. -[Bowser grunts]
Do you want to talk about what happened with Miles?
You mean, do I want to talk about the time
that you didn't show up for me and I lost my soul mate?
My one and only?
The man to whom I gave my flower?
Your flower? Ew.
He was everything, Sterling.
We like the same movies.
We both love nachos so much
that we don't care if the other one has nacho breath.
He made me feel beautiful.
He's beautiful.
And he's smart, and weird, and funny,
and you ruined everything!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
I was with April and--
And what?
Her bad rhymes were more important than your sister?
They weren't all bad.
There were some solid ones like "leave" and "peeve"
and-- and "trust" and "pizza crust."
So, April the Wonder Rhymer
is your new best friend now?
You know she hates you, right?
I wouldn't say that.
We're in a better place now.
Our relationship has evolved.
How nice for you.
What if I called Miles and explained?
Music? You pick.
-[tires thump] -[Sterling grunts]
[hard rock music playing]
♪ Go! ♪
Bowser!
-[soul music playing] -[sighs]
Terrance.
What you got there?
Donuts.
For Yolanda. Is she home?
Sure, come in.
It smells so delicious in here.
That'd be my natural man musk.
I run sweet.
It could also be the cinnamon rolls I made from scratch.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I overreacted.
I want to keep working with you.
I got emotional and I said some dumb things,
but I am a professional
and I will be totally professional from here on in.
I brought donuts.
Terrance made cinnamon rolls from scratch.
You want one?
Yeah.
-Uh-uh. -Oh, fuck me.
-Yeah? -How the hell did you--
I pour warm, heavy cream over the top right before they go in the oven.
That's the trick that makes them extra gooey.
Mm-hm. Goddamn.
I'm gonna freshen up.
Can't be tracking in an apron, you know?
Wouldn't look good on YouTube.
At least not for my bounty channel.
Great for my cooking channel.
You know, I end each show with, "Bye-bye."
Hold on a minute, you've got a cooking channel?
Yeah, I sure do.
I also have one of those ASMR channels
where I rub my fingernails across wicker furniture.
I'm still working on the catchphrase for that one.
Hey, so, who's he got today?
-Fren-Z. -That's my skip!
I'm still working that. Now give it back to me.
You quit on me last night, so I gave it to Terrance.
-Terrance! -Yup.
I'm taking Fren-Z back.
I started this case. I've got a line on him.
I know exactly where he's going.
I'm sorry, but my camera guy's waiting out in the car.
I already booked him for the day. I can't cancel on him now
after he turned down Little Women: Atlanta for me.
That is not my problem.
It is now.
Try and make a move and I'm going to be on you
like bird shit on a shiny car.
Guess that makes you bird shit.
Okay, that hurt my feelings.
You're hurtin' my business. Yolanda, you know this is my case.
Y'all are giving me a tension headache.
Work it out.
Rock paper scissors?
I'll whoop your ass at rock paper scissors.
-Mm. -[both] One, two, three... ha!
One, two, three... ha!
-Okay, Okay. Stop! -[Bowser groans]
You're weirdly defying the odds.
Work together, 50-50 split. That's it.
-I work alone. -You know I'm not letting this go.
The payout is enough for everybody.
Play nicely, or I will take it away from both of you
and give it to Murphy the Dwarf.
-Can you even say that? -Right?
It's an identifying feature and a medical diagnosis.
It's like saying High Blood Pressure Bowser.
You can just say Bowser, okay?
Fine. I'll share.
Because I like making you happy.
But clean yourself up a bit.
You're going to be on camera.
[man speaks over loudspeaker]
You should smile.
Men are not allowed to say that to women anymore.
I assure you my suggestion is purely academic,
uh, not flirtatious, ma'am.
Smiling faces are more easily identified,
thus serving to thwart identity theft.
You see, the neutral expression--
-Would you please take the photo? -I'm not asking for a grin.
That would be too much. I'm not allowed.
I said no.
[cell phone rings]
Hello.
Uh... Yes.
Yes, you know what, I-- I completely forgot to call.
The morning got away from me.
Uh, the girls have doctor's appointments.
That's right. That's right.
That's why they're absent.
Um, no, they are fine. They are totally fine.
Just, uh... an ounce of prevention, right?
[forced chuckle]
[clears throat]
Well, thank you so much for calling.
Uh... Bye, now.
[ringing]
[woman] Please leave your message after the tone.
-[cell phone beeps] -What did you do with my girls?
[hard rock playing]
[cell phone rings]
-[sighs] -Who?
-Mom. -[groans]
No way I'm picking that up.
[cell phone rings]
Now she's calling me.
Do we text her?
No! Don't.
Just ignore her.
It's better to ask forgiveness than permission. Right?
What if she's worried?
All right, fine.
Text her, "We're fine.
Text you later.
Don't worry, we're fine."
"We're fine" twice?
It's more reassuring.
They texted "we're fine" twice.
That means they're not fine.
Oh, gosh dag it! I knew we should have put that tracking thing on their phones.
We tried to.
They-- They declined our invitation.
They refused to share their location.
This is what happens when you teach girls to read.
I'm nervous. I could joke or fart.
Which would you prefer?
[scoffs]
[typing on cell phone]
[flatulence]
[cell phone bleeps]
[sighs] She's asking where we are.
Block her.
We need to focus.
We'll throw ourselves on the mercy of the court later.
[groans]
Look at this place.
It's like what the flu feels like, but as a whole town.
What do you think killed it?
Opioids?
Walmart?
I'm guessing suicide.
Was there something historical here? Maybe Mom was on a field trip.
According to the interwebs,
the best thing that ever happened in Nardinia--
-Nandina. Sorry. -This town.
Was when the Union soldiers got parasites from the creek water.
It's a shit town on every level.
Maybe she was passing through and her car broke down.
People don't take photos with their broken down cars, Sterl.
I don't know!
Is that pig eating pig?
Dear God, look away!
Welcome to Hobo's Ham.
"Our ham is good."
That's it? That's your slogan?
Yep.
You know your sign is basically a cannibal pig?
-Yeah. -So, uh...
-we just moved here and-- -Why?
Okay, you got us.
We would never live here.
Look, do you recognize this woman?
-No. -She was probably before his time.
[man] Uh...
I know her shirt, though.
Are you looking at her boobs? That's our mother.
Where is her shirt from?
Local church.
You hear that? Mom went to church in this town.
Maybe she was visiting.
Sterling, nobody visits here.
And if they did, they do not buy a t-shirt from the local church.
And nobody visits here.
And also, no one visits here!
She lived here.
Okay. What if she has relatives here? She could visit.
Seriously, if you had relatives here,
you'd say, "Sorry. I can never visit you because if I did,
I would definitely witness a grisly crime
and then get thrown into a ravine."
I'm allowed to speculate.
Listen, I know this place looks really gross,
-but it smells really good. -You want to get ribs?
Do we risk it?
[flies buzzing]
[man] Mm.
[flies buzzing]
-No, uh-uh. -Big no. Hard no.
I can't. We'll die.
Look, y'all gonna order something?
I got a sack of rear legs to throw in the pig chipper before afternoon rush.
Pig chipper?
Afternoon rush?
Um, where is that local church?
All right, head down Main, past Tom Fassbender's place.
If you see his dog, do not slow down,
she will bite clean through your tires.
Turn left at the big tree, left at the tractor wreck.
If you hit the ravine, don't look down in there,
head back up the hill.
Uh, I’m gonna tell you though, that church is crazy.
Tabernacle Church of Christ the Redeemer, The Living God, and His Army?
You know, the longer the name, the more extreme.
Are you sure we want to do this?
Bailing on me again?
No, no, no, no, I'm ready. Let's do this.
I'm so ready.
[dogs barking]
In the car! Now! Quick! Quick! Quick!
[man] Try and look busy.
I am busy.
I'm doing my job.
Hey, could you look in the camera for a sec,
and maybe say,
"It's collab time."
-That's good. -That's good, right?
TMZ, get the fuck out of my office.
Go!
-[object clatters] -[Terrance] Uh, yeah, take a break, Phil.
We'll grab his intro later when he's not in a mood.
Trust me, this will always be my mood.
[groans]
All right, what we got on Fren-Z?
[sighs]
Well, he's trying to finish up a track
and get his ass down to the Maldives.
He can't fly commercial,
so he'll be looking for a private ride.
The record company is trying to distance themselves from him,
so they won't be offering.
So who can he turn to?
Who in Atlanta
is rich enough to have their own plane
and powerful enough to do Fren-Z a solid without getting in trouble?
[both] Tyler Perry!
[both chuckle]
-[Debbie] Mr. Bowser? -[Bowser chuckles]
Oh, hi! I'm not sure if you remember me.
Uh, Debbie Wesley. I'm Blair and Sterling's mom.
-I came by to see-- -Yes, of course.
You ordered a teeny-tiny yogurt
and then pushed it around the cup instead of eating it.
[chuckles] Yes, well, I've been doing that intermittent fasting, so...
[chuckles and clears throat]
Sorry if that upset you.
I don't care what you do with it once it's paid for.
That's just the image I used to place you in my mind palace.
I found a parking space. Does he know where the girls are?
-Do you know where the girls are? -The girls?
Uh, the school called today.
They didn't show up.
We thought you might know where they are.
They're not answering their phones.
No, I don't have them on the schedule today, but, uh...
I'll be sure to keep an eye out.
Thank you. I'd appreciate that.
We do appreciate that.
Yeah, it'll be fine.
Teenagers.
[chuckles]
When we were teenagers,
my brother blew up an armadillo with a Roman candle.
It was awful.
[Debbie] Right. Um...
Well, here are our numbers.
Uh... Could you just give us a call if they pop by for yogurt?
Thank you, Mr. Bowser.
-Okay, now. -Thank you.
Bye, now.
[cell phones ding]
Mom and Dad went to Bowser?
They totally know we're ditching.
We've come too far.
Ignore, block. We'll deal with it later.
Hey.
Jones, Perry, Pierce...
Culpepper. Boom.
They spelled it with one P.
Mom's got two Ps in her maiden name.
There's the other P.
[woman] Are you girls here for the Rapture preparation class?
It's not for another hour.
Uh... No, ma'am, we're just looking around
tracing back our family roots, actually.
Would you happen to know the Culpeppers, by any chance?
Culpepper.
Cul... pepper.
Culpepper.
Ah. Yes, just had to locate them in my recollection storehouse.
They moved away a long time ago.
-How long ago? -Oh...
I don't know.
Poor things.
Poor things?
I remember feeling very bad for them.
-Because they lived here? -Pardon me.
I live here and it happens to be...
a nice reminder that the world to come
will be a whole lot better.
So, why do you feel bad for them?
Well, they had such a time with that daughter of theirs.
Oh, no, what'd she do?
We do not gossip in this church, young lady.
A bullfrog only has to croak once
to wake up the entire pond.
But, suffice it to say...
she danced with the devil, that one.
We all prayed for them,
especially after that unfortunate business with the police.
-The police? -Uh-uh!
Without wood, a fire goes out.
I am not giving you any more wood.
But, um, would you care to make a donation to our congregation?
One of our snakes recently passed.
[Blair] Oh.
We...
spent all our money at Hobo's Ham.
Oh.
Well, in that case, I'd stick close to a restroom if I was you.
Thank you, ma'am. We will.
It was nice talking to you.
Have a blessed day.
Are you sure you don't want to come back to the Rapture class?
When that trumpet sounds, we need to be prepared.
Oh, um, we're doing an independent study,
but thank you, ma'am.
[cell phone beeps]
Independent study?
[students chattering]
April! You are MOBOT.
Um, what? No, I'm not.
Yes, you are. You are missing out because of texting.
Don't become a robot who is a MOBOT.
Okay?
[mimics robot] I am a robot who is a MOBOT.
I am--
She remarried?
[sighs]
I mean...
Just put it away. Okay?
Okay. I'll put it away.
And look, you are doing great work.
Okay? I love you.
[sighs] Look at all this work.
Hey!
I wouldn't get too close. Apparently, I'm MOBOT.
Yeah. Well, yesterday I was missing out because of fantasy football. MOBOFF?
-It sounds kind of dirty, right? -[chuckles]
-Ellen really loves acronyms. -[chuckles]
Yeah.
I heard you were with Sterling last night?
What do you--? What do you mean? What did you hear?
That you guys were, like, making playlists and clues and stuff?
-How is she? -I don't know. Fine.
Why do you even care? Aren't you two broken up?
No. No. We're just working on ourselves independently from one another.
And I've been working really, really hard,
and I've been giving her a lot of space,
uh, but I would like to close that space. There's-- There's just too much space.
Did-- Hey, hey...
Did she say anything about me?
Luke...
[scoffs] Every time I say your name, I want to tell you to "use the Force."
Oh, yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.
I actually tried to use the Force one time
to lift the fridge in our garage off my favorite frisbee golf frisbee.
I popped one of my eardrums real bad.
Hey, what can you tell me about Sterli?
To... stick with the theme...
I think right now her space
is in a galaxy far, far away from your space.
She's moved on.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I'm not saying this to be hurtful.
I'm saying it as a friend.
Maybe it would be good for you to... start thinking about moving on,
save yourself some heartache.
"You can't stop change any more than you can stop the suns from setting."
You're, like, a legit Star Wars fan.
Daddy and I watched them whenever we have time together.
It's our thing.
Was our thing.
Yeah, I hear things have been really rough at your house lately.
I'm really sorry about that.
Yeah, well.
I'm sorry about you and Sterling.
You know, she's-- she's not acting right. I'm--
I'm about this close to being halfway angry at her.
I get it.
Girls, I just want to know you're all right.
Gettin' a little nervous here
because I know how much the two of you love your devices.
So, um...
why don't we take a break from the SnapTalk and the TicTac and...
you know, give old Bowser a call...
so I don't worry.
-All right. -That's it?
Yeah. Press "end."
Uh... you don't press "send" on a voice message--
I said press "end." Damn it. "End."
[sighs] Gotcha.
Night night.
-It's not even night. -The ladies love it.
They're girls! Okay? Not ladies.
Listen to Daddy over here.
What's your deal with those two, anyway?
I'm a teacher who respects his students.
I got their back. They got mine.
See, that's your mistake right there.
This is a business for lone wolves.
You think someone's got your back
and then you turn around and they're stabbing you in it.
You get that? I'm giving you gold here.
Oh, shoot... um, no.
-Was I supposed to be filming? -Always be filming, bro!
It's your job. Do your job, man.
See? Can't rely on anybody.
Tell me about it.
-You want to repeat that line? -No, the moment's passed.
[blows out] Thank God.
[clicks teeth]
This business is for lone wolves.
You think someone's got your back
and then you turn around and they're stabbin' you in it.
This job is about self-reliance and the purity of competition.
That's what keeps me turned on.
That keeps you turned on, huh?
Hell, yeah. What turns you on?
Yolanda.
She turns me on, too.
Not like that.
I've got real feelings for her, man.
Could you speak up?
You know what, if you don't stop
and shut that shit down right now,
I'm gonna throw this out the window. You understand me?
[cameraman] Please, please don't.
I keep forgetting I'm being filmed all the goddamn time.
[Terrance] God, get with the times, Bowser.
No one is ever not being filmed.
The world is made of cameras.
May I please get my cross-stitch back? I shut it off.
-[Bowser] Later! -Okay.
I'm holding it for insurance.
I got feelings for Yolanda.
You think I make my buns for just anyone?
I thought you were a lone wolf.
Don't mean I don't like myself a little lamb.
A boy's gotta eat.
Yolanda may be a lot of things,
but a little lamb sure ain't one of 'em.
You don't know her. I know her.
I've known her 20 years now.
Hm.
You'd think you would have done something about it in all that time.
You can't bring this in.
Oh, right. Can you hold on to it for me?
No problem.
[man chattering]
Well, hey there.
I'm Blair. How are you doing today?
I was hoping that you could help me with something.
-You trying to flirt with me? -Maybe.
How am I doing?
Terribly.
You're blinking like you got ash in your eye
and you're trying to get a gay man to look at your tits.
Put them away.
Oh.
Did it ever cross your mind to just,
I don't know, ask for what you want like a person?
You'll have to forgive my sister.
She's internalized the societal messaging
that women are only as valuable as their sexual appeal,
so this has been a valuable reckoning.
Thank you.
And my sister has internalized the societal messaging
that sisters can be unreliable and selfish,
but I don't blame society...
I blame her.
I really like your glasses.
[gasps] Vintage.
Nice, right? I had my prescription put in.
They're in perfect condition.
I found a pair like those in the Sally Army once,
but the stems were so chewed up, they looked like jerky.
These were dead stock, still in the box.
That dummy at that shop had no idea what she had,
so I bought myself seven pairs.
I'm saving two, and puttin' the rest on Etsy.
I'm a businessman.
Brilliant, and a heck of a score.
I'm Sterling, by the way.
Nice to meet you, I'm Garrett.
That's the way to have a conversation.
What can I do you for, Miss Sterling?
Well, we're looking for some information
on a woman that used to live here in Nannadina.
[chuckles] Nandina.
See, it is hard to remember.
-Debbie Culpepper. -Two Ps.
With two Ps.
Her birthday is February 26, 1981,
and we think she might have a police record.
Fill out this form. Name, phone, email address,
and I'll see what I can come up with for you.
I like your shirt.
-Really? "I like your shirt"? -Hey!
I'm going through a breakup.
Cut me a little slack, man.
[man] Just sit down.
[bell rings]
So, we know for sure he's here, right?
Yeah, that's what my girl told me.
-So, you already stepping out on Yolanda? -It ain't even like that.
Darlene is hard where I like it soft.
We go to the same gym.
Lady's lean like Fight Club Pitt.
She mentioned once on a lag day that she works here
and I added it to my memory castle.
So, what's your plan here?
I gotta feel out the situation.
I work on instinct.
Why? You got a plan?
Yeah, my plan is to get this over with as quickly as possible.
That was my plan.
[tires screech]
Hey, Terrence.
See, one of the most important things to have when you're a bounty hunter...
is contacts.
I'm a lone wolf, but I still have contacts.
Gonna call this episode "Lone Wolf."
You realize we are working this case together, right?
Yeeeeah, I think I'll edit around you.
So what do you do exactly on the lot here?
I'm the beekeeper.
We got bee boxes all over.
Mr. Perry loves fresh honey.
Don't know that he eats it, but he uses a lot of it.
I don't ask.
You think we could, uh, borrow your bees?
Use them to flush this guy off the stage?
Fuck, no!
My bees are docile and lovely.
So, how do you keep 'em calm? You use smoke?
How do you know so much about bees?
Oh, that Secret Life of Bees movie.
I love me some Queen Latifah.
[Terrance] I know that movie.
Back when Jennifer Hudson still had some meat on her.
So, uh... can we borrow your smoker?
The smoker you can borrow.
[chuckles]
I see where this is going.
Phil, mount up! Let's go.
Terrance Coin is going to smoke out his mark.
Great idea.
My idea.
[Sterling] Can you sit still?
No. No, I can't.
Can you please respect my investment in this mystery?
This mystery that involves our mother?
I mean, I think the real question is, why aren't you pacing?
Have you no curiosity?
Wonder? Alarm?
-I mean, are you dead inside? -[man] Okay.
There is no arrest record for Debbie Culpepper,
or Deborah, or Debs.
But we know she had a run-in with the police.
A woman of God told us
and a local pig monger pretty much corroborated, so...
Okay, well, maybe it happened when she was a minor.
She wouldn't be in the database if she was underage.
[Blair] No, that is not good enough.
There has to be something else.
You're not even trying. Can I please--
-Hey! My picture! -I am so sorry, Garrett.
She goes crazy when her blood sugar's low.
Thank you for trying. It was nice to meet you.
It is always nice to meet a fellow vintage lover.
-You have a nice day. -Thank you.
-I don't have low blood sugar! -No! Get back!
-Blair! Sorry! -He's not really looking.
-He wasn't even looking-- -No wonder you're single.
What the hell are you doing?
What am I doing? You're acting like a lunatic!
I knew it was a mistake to bring you here.
You don't have my back.
I should have done this myself.
Are you frickin' kidding me?
All I've done today is support you and help you.
I apologize, again and again--
Saying you're sorry doesn't fix what you did!
You destroyed my relationship!
You could have rescheduled your date, Blair!
-Oh, yeah? -You could have faked sick
like that time in French class
when you claimed you had alien hand syndrome,
but no, as always, you went for the highest level of drama possible,
because that's what you do.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Oh, let's see, where do I begin?
Um, you desperately tried to have sex with Jennings as fast as possible,
to reclaim your title as the slutty twin.
You said that a substitute teacher's ghost was haunting you.
You literally think that Mom is some kind of criminal queen-pin.
You can't ever let things be normal!
Everything has to be a disaster, a hullabaloo!
Yeah, I said hullabaloo!
So it makes perfect sense
that as soon as you get a nice, stable relationship,
you immediately self-sabotage and make it blow up in your face.
Poor, unique, special, interesting Blair.
Jealous.
You're jealous because my life
is whimsical, unpredictable and fascinating,
and yours is, was, and always will be boring!
I forge my own path. You know what's gonna happen to you?
You're gonna go to UGA.
You're gonna pledge Alpha Gamma Bitch Face.
Your hair will get blonder.
You'll get married by 23
and have babies by 25,
have the exact same wallpaper and the exact same life as Mom.
You'll get back together with Luke
because he's safe and feels like home
and you don't have the guts to take a chance on--
You have no idea what kind of guts I have!
Don't I, though?
I'm hooking up with April!
What?
I wasn't there for you last night because I was following my heart,
and my heart was in my lips, and my hands,
and other parts of me that are none of your beeswax.
I'm with April Stevens now and she's a girl.
How's that for boring?
Yeah, that's right!
Walk away and think about your actions and your words!
Oh, shoot, my gun.
-[alarm rings] -Oh, we got action.
-That Swedish meatball is going down. -Yeah.
[cell phone rings]
Hey, I'm kind of busy right now,
but I definitely want to know where the hell you been all day.
-Hey, man. Focus up. -Yeah. I gotta call you back.
Bowser.
Hey, hey, hey. Baby girl, everything okay?
-Sterling... -Sterling what?
Is she all right?
Bowser, hello!
We got into a fight.
Please, I don't know who else to talk to.
[Terrance] Hey, Bowser!
[people screaming]
No. Are you serious?
All right, tell me what happened.
Sterling hates me.
There's the little bastard.
And I think I hate her, too.
No. You two don't hate each other.
She had all these secrets.
We don't have secrets.
And because of her, Miles broke up with me,
and did I mention she wasn't there for me?
[groans] I'm sorry to hear that.
And now she thinks I'm an asshole, but she's the asshole.
You're kind of both assholes if you ask me.
That's not funny.
-But I'm sure she didn't mean it. -[people shouting]
No, I think she meant it.
No. Sometimes we say things that we don't mean,
especially with... siblings. You know.
She said a lot of pretty intense stuff to me.
Did she?
Well what about you? What'd you say?
Well, I said some stuff, too, but...
I'm angry.
Yeah, well, sometimes...
Sometimes we say things out loud
just to get them off our chest,
to get 'em out of our system, you know?
This is bullshit.
I know.
You just gotta let that happen, you know,
feel what you're feeling.
it's going to be better. It's going to get better.
Hey, truant. You missed a pop quiz in Spanish today.
Un examen sorpresa.
But I'm sure she'll let you make it up, Carolina.
What's the matter? You look upset?
Where are you?
I told Blair.
And she embraced you with love in her heart
and said she supports us fully and is so happy for us, right?
Yeah, it's like you were there.
What happened?
[sighs] We were having a huge fight about other things
and then in the middle of it,
I blurted out that you and I were together
like I was spitting acid in her face,
and now we're not speaking,
and I don't know how we're going to make it better.
Oh. Come on. She's your sister.
You two are bizarrely and often upsettingly close.
You'll mend fences.
And now you've also got me.
I've got you?
And I've got... you.
I can't wait to see you at the lock-in tonight.
I was thinking...
Now that Blair knows, maybe it's time everyone knows.
Oh.
And maybe tonight is a good time to let the whole world know
that you and I are us...
or we.
We are you and me, but together.
Nothing crazy. We could hold hands or something...
or sleep side by side.
I guess...
sleeping side by side...
could be nice.
Yeah, I think it would be.
[knocking]
Hold on, be right there.
Shoot. My mom's knocking.
I'll talk to you later.
[disconnect tone]
[sighs]
Hey, little Padawan.
Daddy.
["I See My Mother" playing]
♪ If it sounds right, I'll repeat ♪
♪ If it looks good to me ♪
♪ I will make it mine ♪
♪ For the night ♪
Honey!
This business is for lone wolves.
You think someone's got your back
and you turn around and they're stabbing you in it.
[Terrance laughs]
Bowsie-wowsie!
Can't even walk, let alone rope a skip.
Good thing I'm a lone wolf.
This job is about self-reliance and the purity of competition.
That's what keeps me turned on.
Uh, excuse me. Madeas?
You're in the shot. Thank you.
Don't worry, Tyler Perry.
I may be a lone wolf,
but I'll be your friend.
[car engine starts]
Night night.
[stomps object]
♪ All by myself ♪
♪ Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
♪ I'm always chasing after ♪
♪ Somebody else ♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪ I swallow whiskey ♪
♪ I take to powder ♪
[cell phone rings]
♪ But I am still so, so sad ♪
Hello?
Sterling, it's Garrett. You liked my glasses.
Garrett, hi.
Listen, I saw how upset your sister was when you left
and in the spirit of "you cannot choose your relatives,"
I did some more digging.
I went back and I looked at all the unsolved crimes
that fit the time window for the woman you're looking for.
They know.
[Garrett] I found 16 results.
I'm sending them to you now,
but you got to promise
that you will not look at your phone while you are driving.
Safety first!
♪ Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
♪ I'm always chasing after ♪
♪ Somebody someone else ♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪ I see my mother ♪
♪ She's at the window ♪
♪ She's letting down She's letting down ♪
♪ Her black hair ♪
♪ She won't let me in there ♪
♪ I see my mother She's at the window ♪
♪ She's letting down Her long black hair ♪
♪ She won't let me in there ♪
♪ Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
♪ I'm always chasing after ♪
♪ Somebody someone else ♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪ Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
♪ I'm always chasing after ♪
♪ Somebody else ♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪ Oh what a web I have woven myself in ♪
♪ I'm always chasing after ♪
♪ Somebody else ♪
♪ All by myself ♪